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July in Colorado, conflict resolution program with Gary Friedman

Gary Friedman will present on 3 days (2-hour keynote on July 15th, full day on July 16th, and one and one-half hours on July 16) at the 10th Rocky Mountain Retreat. The event will be held outside Colorado Springs at The Franciscan Retreat Center. Spaces are limited to 50; 10 spaces remain today. Click for more information and link to the registration page.

Interview of lawyer mediator Gary Friedman: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients

This week I had the pleasure of interviewing long-time mediator and mediation trainer Gary Friedman. The sponsoring organization Purposeful Planning Institute (about which I have blogged here, here, and here; and for which I am Dean of Neuroscience and Contemplative Practices) is one that is close to my heart. The recording of this teleconference with a wise and thoughtful conflict professional was much appreciated and I thank both Gary and PPI. I hope you will enjoy listening.

The PPI announcement of the teleconference with links for listening and reading is below.

Inside Out: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients

Audio File: Download/Play Recording
 
Date: August 11, 2015
 
Guest Speaker: Gary J. Friedman,  Co-Founder, The Center for Understanding in Conflict (formerly the Center for Mediation in Law)
 
Host: Stephanie West Allen, JD, PPI Dean of Neuroscience and Contemplative Practices
 
Handout: Introduction & Excerpt from Inside Out by Gary Friedman
 
Overview:  The focus of this interview is on a central tool that all conflict professionals can develop, the ability to use their understanding of their inner lives to help their clients deal with conflict.  Using tools of self-awareness, the professional can enhance their ability to bring their full attention to their engagement with the client, work with their own feelings, especially negative reactions, to bring them closer to the clients, understand and deepen their commitment to their work, and open a path between them and their client that will solve the external problem.
 
Important Points:

• If we limit our focus to the external dimensions of our clients’ problems we are really limiting our ability to effectively solve them. Understanding the internal dimensions of problems (the emotional and human element) is really at the core.
• Effective communication with others requires far more than simply listening to the words of the client, but requires the use of all our senses. Effective listening is a skill and we can all learn to avoid distractions and be truly present with our clients and in the moment with them.
• The professional’s emotional reactions to the client, particularly feelings that are accompanied by judgments, if left unattended can create walls of separation between professional and client. There is no such thing as being nonjudgmental, and the question should not be whether or not we have judgments, but what to do with them when we have them.

Purposeful Quote:  “Every conflict begins with thoughts of fear, animosity and aggression which pass through some people’s minds and spread like wildfire.  The only antidote to these aberrations is to take on fully the suffering of others.”  – Matthieu Ricard
 
Reading Recommendation: Inside Out: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients by Gary Friedman (available online here) [the book is also available here]

Note (added August 27, 2015): Click to learn more about Self-Reflection for Conflict Professionals Intensive (SCPI), the program Friedman describes in the interview and his latest book.

Good to see more attention to mediation of sibling disputes about end-of-life matters

Just published, a New York Times article on the use of mediation for disputes between siblings. Excerpt from "Strengthening Troubled Sibling Bonds to Deal With an Aging Parent":

It doesn’t matter how successful people are; when they’re around their siblings, they often revert to their 7-year-old selves. “Family members are often very successful professionally, but when they’re back with the family it can trigger old emotions, and they envision each other back in their old roles and it makes it difficult to envision who that person is now,” said Crystal Thorpe, a co-founder of Elder Decisions, in Norwood, Mass., and a co-author of “Mom Always Liked You Best.”

The sibling relationship can become even thornier when dealing with aging or infirm parents. All sorts of issues that can test even the best relationships arise, including differences of opinion on housing, caregiving, medical treatment, estate planning and end-of-life care. ...

Forthcoming Events, News, and Resources from the Initiative on Mindfulness in Law and Dispute Resolution

Here's a list of events, news, and resources compiled by Professor Len Riskin. Click to read his list of items related to mindfulness, law, and dispute resolution. Thanks, Len, for creating this list.

Memo to your calendar: I'll interview Gary Friedman on August 11 about the value of self-awareness for excellent client service

I was recently appointed one of the Deans of the Purposeful Planning Institute: Dean of Neuroscience and Contemplative Practices. Over the years, I have been very happy to be involved with such a fine organization so am pleased to now serve in this capacity. Click for more information about all the Deans for PPI; as you can see, they make up a talented group.

As a Dean, I am responsible for occasionally interviewing guests on PPI's weekly teleconferences. My first interviewee will be long-time friend and colleague Gary Friedman. I will be talking with Gary about his newest book Inside Out: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients. He will tell us about the important role self-awareness and reflective practices play in working effectively with clients, particularly as a conflict professional. We will also hear from him about a program he's developed to increase professional self-awareness. This program is a major focus of Inside Out, a book I highly recommend. Please join us on August 11, at noon Eastern. If you are not a member of PPI, you may acquire guest access by emailing.

Also in August . . .

Each year, PPI holds its annual Rendezvous, an opportunity to learn and to meet some extraordinary people from around the world. This year the event will be held August 5-7. Here's more information about the Rendezvous. Consider coming to Colorado this summer for a truly unique gathering.

You are biased but I'm not: Bias perception, the spiral of conflict, and the role of the mediator

The word "Truth" etched in the pieces of this sculpture on Canyon Road in Santa Fe

If we disagree with someone, we typically view the other person as more influenced by bias than are we. That perception of bias can be a monumental obstacle to conflict resolution. But what to do about perception bias? In their chapter "Bias Perception and the Spiral of Conflict," in Ideology, Psychology, and Law, Kathleen Kennedy and Emily Pronin suggest three methods of increasing success in conflict resolution and lessening the influence of this conflict spiral. All three are briefly summarized in this blog post at Law and Mind.

Of course, the one that most caught my attention was that related to self-awareness, a common theme around this blog and Brains on Purpose.

2. Introspective education – This strategy works to induce individuals to see themselves as less objective.  By recognizing their own capacity for bias, individuals might be better equipped to resolve their conflicts peacefully once they realize that the other side, while biased, is no more biased than oneself and, therefore, likely has some rational reasons for believing what they believe.  A mediator can implement this strategy by educating individuals on the psychology of implicit biases and providing them with concrete demonstrations of their own implicit attitudes (by administering the IAT [different link], for example).

The Implicit Association Test IAT has come under a lot of criticism (see, e.g., this article) and I would not recommend it as a method of increasing awareness of bias. However, increasing the self-awareness of parties to a dispute can be very helpful. The role of the mediator in educating parties about concepts such as bias perception and other components of self-awareness (i.e., how their brains and minds operate in conflict) is not agreed upon among mediators. Many think that kind of education is outside the purview of the conflict professional. What do you think?

Interested in mediation or collaborative law in trust and estates and other related family matters?

I call to your attention two no-fee teleseminars being offered this month by the Purposeful Planning Institute; one or both might be worth your time. Take a look below for all the information. If you want to join either call, get your complimentary PIN number.

The first, presented by John O'Grady on November 11, is titled "Navigate Epic Aging & Inheritance Conflicts to Build Your Practice." The session is described:

Drama, trauma, greed, and crisis at end of life present angst and opportunity.   In fact, these are the elements of a Greek tragedy in which power, control, sibling rivalry, patriarchal privilege, and other thorny issues threaten to tear families apart.  The inheritance battles escalate as the older adult loses mental capacity.  Growing a thriving collaborative trusts & estates practice in service to these conflicted families is a way to make a profound and lasting impact at a critical time.  Transforming regret, repression, and depression into full self-expression – especially when it is messy -- is cause for celebration.   During this training, Estate Planning Lawyer and Mediator of Estate Battles John O’Grady equips you to begin to navigate the epic conflicts about death, taxes, and inheritance so those you serve can address the underlying conflicts, salvage important relationships, and welcome a measure of inner peace, love, and understanding.

“In most cases, the conflict is not about who inherits the dining room table.  It’s about the issues under the table that are just now seeing the light of day.”

 More here.

The second teleseminar I call to your attention is "The Collaborative Practice Revolution in Trusts & Estates," to be given on November 25. I had the opportunity to speak with Peter Johnson, one of the presenters, in August at this year's PPI Rendezvous. Our time in conversation was stimulating and the bonus for me was learning

What's it take to be a mediator? Some pioneers look at this process of conflict resolution

What background do you need to succeed as a mediator? Any advantages to being a lawyer? Challenges and rewards in this field? These are some of the questions answered by mediation old-timers in "Who Wants To Be A Mediator?" (Dispute Resolution Magazine), an article written back in 2010.

Excerpt:

All of us who have been active mediators for any significant time are asked time and again, “How can I get into the field? Is mediation as enjoyable as it appears to be? What will it take for me to become a successful mediator?” We asked these questions of 31 mediators who began mediating in the 1970s and 1980s and who have remained active in the field to this day. These mediators have experience in the areas in which mediation has been most widely used: business and commercial, construction, product liability, employment, divorce, labor management, neighborhood, environmental, community, and public policy matters.

Despite the variety of their areas of practice, the views of these mediators were remarkably consistent. They found mediation to be immensely satisfying work. They noted the value of patience, persistence, and legal experience in becoming successful in the mediation marketplace. They also commented on the importance of mediation training, mentoring, practice, and marketing. Finally, they commented on the challenges—and advantages—of turning to mediation as a second career.

Click to read the rest.

What do you think?

Note: I recommend the article by the same authors in Negotiation Journal, also published in 2010. Excerpt:

Gary Friedman also told us that he thinks some of the original promise of mediation has been compromised.“For me mediation was really about flipping the basic professional assumption that we knew better than people in a dispute about what they should do with their lives,” he explained.“The people that came to mediation in the beginning really got that. . . . [O]ver time that changed because lawyers got involved, and said, ‘Well, this is a settlement conference, we know how to do this.’”

A number of mediators expressed concern that the field has become too specialized and routinized. Christopher Moore said that “because of the specialization dynamic, people get locked into one area of practice. One of the most wonderful things about my practice has been the cross- fertilization of ideas. You can take an insight from doing a family case . . . or any interpersonal case, and apply it to big public or international conflicts. . . . I worry that the specialization may prevent some of the great cross-pollination of ideas.”

Leonard Riskin described visiting a mediation firm whose members had “created a template, in which mediations began with a joint session and then stayed in caucuses for the remainder of the day. That was just the way it was. And I think that that format is more and more common. It bothers me to see this degree of inattention to what’s going on in an individual case.”

To caucus or not to caucus—that is the question: Article about pioneer mediator Gary Friedman's model

Click to read an article which first appeared in the CAALA Advocate (September, 2013), written by Gail Killefer.

Summary
The author reviews a workshop led by Gary Friedman for the Mediation Panel of the U.S. District Court, Central District of California. Friedman’s presentation emphasized the benefits of working with the parties in joint session – without caucusing.

Click to read the whole article which was also posted on Friedman's blog. Excerpt:

I silently thanked Mr. Friedman this week while mediating an interpleader action involving individuals with competing claims to life insurance proceeds. After reading the court file and meeting with the parties, I “knew” how the  funds should be allocated. But, thinking of Friedman’s model, I did not separate the parties in order to suggest “my” number in caucus.

Instead, I kept  the  parties together and had  them share their stories about the deceased, their relationship to him, and how they viewed the life insurance policy. After two hours of discussion, some of which was emotional and uncomfortable, one party blurted out the allocation that she considered fair – and, as it so happened, it was “my” number. The other party nodded her head in agreement; the case settled. By taking the time to work through the conflict with each other, the parties reached the allocation in a manner that gave them more certainty, more satisfaction, and an opportunity to reconcile with one another. The mediation took extra time, but it was worth it.

Play as meditation, mediation, and mindfulness enhancer: A seminar for you

If you believe as I do that a mindful mediator is a more effective mediator—both because of his or her adept ability to utilize conflict resolution skills but more importantly because of the direct effect he or she has on the parties' affect (i.e., mood)—then I have a suggested program for you below.

We know that a better mood positively influences the processes of communication, negotiation and decision-making* so wouldn't a mediator want to be an influence on the mood of the dispute resolution via a reflective perspective and demeanor?

Maybe not. Some mediators are functioning predominately at the bare skill and technique level. Many do not see mindfulness as important to the process of resolving conflict. The role of who the mediator is being, in addition to what he or she is doing, is not one that is unanimously seen as potent or important.

No surprise to any of you who read my blogs: I think the reflectiveness, the mindfulness, of the mediator is significant, sometimes paramount, in the resolving of disputes. That mindfulness state is what in my opinion moves a dispute professional from adequate to excellent, to one who serves clients in a manner that is outstanding.

Because I think both play and self-knowledge can enhance our mindfulness, I am recommending a workshop to you. It's being taught September 18-21, by Doctors Bonnie Badenoch and Theresa Kestly in the artist and farmland community of Corrales, New Mexico, near the Rio Grande River. Click for all the details and to register. I have taken two seminars from Bonnie in the past, read two of her books which I recommend frequently, and believe she is gifted at working with clients. Even though I have not yet taken a class from Theresa, I know much about her approach and philosophy because I have read and appreciated several chapters of her forthcoming book The Interpersonal Neurobiology of Play. Both she and Bonnie are well-grounded in the science that underlies what they practice and teach.

So if you want to enhance your ability to resolve disputes while having fun in a beautiful setting learning from two mindful experts, sign up here.

Note: To learn more benefits of play, go to some of my past posts: here, here, and here.

*See also: "Mood and Judgment" (Psychological Bulletin).

Image credit: A photo I took of one of my favorite fetishes from New Mexico.