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July in Colorado, conflict resolution program with Gary Friedman

Gary Friedman will present on 3 days (2-hour keynote on July 15th, full day on July 16th, and one and one-half hours on July 16) at the 10th Rocky Mountain Retreat. The event will be held outside Colorado Springs at The Franciscan Retreat Center. Spaces are limited to 50; 10 spaces remain today. Click for more information and link to the registration page.

Interview of lawyer mediator Gary Friedman: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients

This week I had the pleasure of interviewing long-time mediator and mediation trainer Gary Friedman. The sponsoring organization Purposeful Planning Institute (about which I have blogged here, here, and here; and for which I am Dean of Neuroscience and Contemplative Practices) is one that is close to my heart. The recording of this teleconference with a wise and thoughtful conflict professional was much appreciated and I thank both Gary and PPI. I hope you will enjoy listening.

The PPI announcement of the teleconference with links for listening and reading is below.

Inside Out: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients

Audio File: Download/Play Recording
 
Date: August 11, 2015
 
Guest Speaker: Gary J. Friedman,  Co-Founder, The Center for Understanding in Conflict (formerly the Center for Mediation in Law)
 
Host: Stephanie West Allen, JD, PPI Dean of Neuroscience and Contemplative Practices
 
Handout: Introduction & Excerpt from Inside Out by Gary Friedman
 
Overview:  The focus of this interview is on a central tool that all conflict professionals can develop, the ability to use their understanding of their inner lives to help their clients deal with conflict.  Using tools of self-awareness, the professional can enhance their ability to bring their full attention to their engagement with the client, work with their own feelings, especially negative reactions, to bring them closer to the clients, understand and deepen their commitment to their work, and open a path between them and their client that will solve the external problem.
 
Important Points:

• If we limit our focus to the external dimensions of our clients’ problems we are really limiting our ability to effectively solve them. Understanding the internal dimensions of problems (the emotional and human element) is really at the core.
• Effective communication with others requires far more than simply listening to the words of the client, but requires the use of all our senses. Effective listening is a skill and we can all learn to avoid distractions and be truly present with our clients and in the moment with them.
• The professional’s emotional reactions to the client, particularly feelings that are accompanied by judgments, if left unattended can create walls of separation between professional and client. There is no such thing as being nonjudgmental, and the question should not be whether or not we have judgments, but what to do with them when we have them.

Purposeful Quote:  “Every conflict begins with thoughts of fear, animosity and aggression which pass through some people’s minds and spread like wildfire.  The only antidote to these aberrations is to take on fully the suffering of others.”  – Matthieu Ricard
 
Reading Recommendation: Inside Out: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients by Gary Friedman (available online here) [the book is also available here]

Note (added August 27, 2015): Click to learn more about Self-Reflection for Conflict Professionals Intensive (SCPI), the program Friedman describes in the interview and his latest book.

Join us next week for a teleseminar on Polarity Thinking in trusts and estates

On Tuesday, June 30, 2015, at 12 Eastern, 9 Pacific AM, I will be moderating a teleseminar for Purposeful Planning Institute (PPI). The program description is below. Because of the topic and speakers, this will be an hour that is very informative and stimulating.

If you are not a member of PPI, you may get a guest pass for this event by emailing here.

Teleconference Details

Title: New Tools in the Trustscape: How Polarity Thinking Addresses Dilemmas that Simply Won't Go Away

Date: June 30, 2015

Time: Noon ET (60 Minutes)

Guest Speakers: Daniel P. Felix, The Professional Trustee and Neesa Sweet, The Braided River Group

Description: Polarity Thinking shines a bright light on hidden factors in the trustscape -- interdependencies that have the power to prevent solutions and keep trustees, their advisors and their client families on a literal "seesaw" of unsolvable questions. Polarity Thinking is an approach that fosters true Practical Wisdom. The result is even greater success in dealing with conflict, change, complexity, and communications, as well as both chronic and cultural issues.

Note about the word "trustscape":

"Our term trustscape describes a subsystem within the larger family system.  Members of the trustscape are those connected by a trust agreement - trust-creators, trustees, beneficiaries, trust-protectors, committees, and their advisors."

--Hartley Goldstone

Note (added September 3, 2015):

Below is the link to the interview. Also included is other related information.

Good to see more attention to mediation of sibling disputes about end-of-life matters

Just published, a New York Times article on the use of mediation for disputes between siblings. Excerpt from "Strengthening Troubled Sibling Bonds to Deal With an Aging Parent":

It doesn’t matter how successful people are; when they’re around their siblings, they often revert to their 7-year-old selves. “Family members are often very successful professionally, but when they’re back with the family it can trigger old emotions, and they envision each other back in their old roles and it makes it difficult to envision who that person is now,” said Crystal Thorpe, a co-founder of Elder Decisions, in Norwood, Mass., and a co-author of “Mom Always Liked You Best.”

The sibling relationship can become even thornier when dealing with aging or infirm parents. All sorts of issues that can test even the best relationships arise, including differences of opinion on housing, caregiving, medical treatment, estate planning and end-of-life care. ...

Forthcoming Events, News, and Resources from the Initiative on Mindfulness in Law and Dispute Resolution

Here's a list of events, news, and resources compiled by Professor Len Riskin. Click to read his list of items related to mindfulness, law, and dispute resolution. Thanks, Len, for creating this list.

Memo to your calendar: I'll interview Gary Friedman on August 11 about the value of self-awareness for excellent client service

I was recently appointed one of the Deans of the Purposeful Planning Institute: Dean of Neuroscience and Contemplative Practices. Over the years, I have been very happy to be involved with such a fine organization so am pleased to now serve in this capacity. Click for more information about all the Deans for PPI; as you can see, they make up a talented group.

As a Dean, I am responsible for occasionally interviewing guests on PPI's weekly teleconferences. My first interviewee will be long-time friend and colleague Gary Friedman. I will be talking with Gary about his newest book Inside Out: How Conflict Professionals Can Use Self-Reflection to Help Their Clients. He will tell us about the important role self-awareness and reflective practices play in working effectively with clients, particularly as a conflict professional. We will also hear from him about a program he's developed to increase professional self-awareness. This program is a major focus of Inside Out, a book I highly recommend. Please join us on August 11, at noon Eastern. If you are not a member of PPI, you may acquire guest access by emailing.

Also in August . . .

Each year, PPI holds its annual Rendezvous, an opportunity to learn and to meet some extraordinary people from around the world. This year the event will be held August 5-7. Here's more information about the Rendezvous. Consider coming to Colorado this summer for a truly unique gathering.

Interview of Norman Fischer: Some benefits of mindfulness and self-awareness for legal professionals

Today I am talking with Norman Fischer who is with the Everyday Zen Foundation. He is a poet and a Zen Buddhist priest. Click to read more about Norman.

Norman, thanks very much for agreeing to participate in my series of interviews of thinkers and practitioners who have ideas that are valuable for the legal profession. I am grateful that you are taking the time to answer my questions, and know many readers will appreciate your generosity and wisdom, too.

I have been very impressed with the program that you and Gary Friedman have designed for lawyers and other conflict professionals. In addition to specific contemplative practices, your program includes a general focus on self-awareness. How does self-awareness improve a lawyer’s level of client service?

Self awareness is a prerequisite for awareness of others. It eventually leads to it. The more you can see and feel what's going on in you, with some wisdom and equanimity, the more you can see and feel others with accuracy and sympathy. So self awareness makes you more sensitive to people, what they are feeling, needing, wanting. You become much more conscious of relationship, the nuances of human interaction. This is valuable simply for being human, but for lawyers, who work depends on being able to understand others and their motivations and needs, is it even more valuable. No matter what kind of law you do, a cornerstone of lawyering is the relationship with the client. To establish a trusting relationship with a client, one in which the lawyer really understands the clients needs and perameters, emotional intelligence (which means self awareness and awareness of others) really helps. And it helps too in determining how to deal with opponents, judges, negotiation, and more or less everything lawyers do.

Thanks very much for your response, Norman. I am often asked by lawyers if there is a way to achieve mindful self-awareness without meditating. What are your thoughts on that question?

Meditating is not the only way to be self aware of course. In our work with Gary Friedman we designate nine practices. Things like journaling, taking times for conscious reflection,  taking three breaths in midst of emotional situations. But meditation supports all these other practices and strengthens them. And, since mindfulness and deep self reflection depend on the capacity ultimately to be able to be "non-judgmental" that is, to step outside your usual story of how things are, meditation is essential, because only it can help to foster that. But there are many ways to meditate. In any case, self reflection practices, without meditation,are still enormously helpful. Especially when you are clearly aware of their limitations (ie, that your self reflection is always limited by your own limited point of view).

In a moment I want to ask about your Mindful Lawyering program being held next month at Garrison Institute, but first I would like you to say a bit more about being aware of our limitations and what you call “limited point of view.” Are we all limited in our awareness, both of

Another piece of research on negotiation tactics: Can offering a range give you an edge?

Does offering a range of numbers as opposed to one single number help you reach your goal in negotiations? Maybe so. From "Offering a Range of Numbers Can Lead to an Edge in Negotiations" (Mind for Business blog of Association for Psychological Science):

New research from Columbia Business School challenges conventional wisdom about making an initial offer during a negotiation. To get the best deal, you may want to consider offering a range of options rather than a single number.

Whether bargaining for catering, a new car, or a starting salary, psychological scientists Daniel Ames and Malia Mason, found that when bargainers offered a modest range (asking for a starting salary of $50,000 to $54,000, for example) they secured better offers than when they suggested a single “point” number (say, $52,000).

Ames and Mason found that certain types of range offers worked better than others. The most successful strategy was using a “bolstering” range offer, where a negotiator starts with their desired price and stretches it in a more ambitious direction. For example, if your ideal salary is $70,000, your best bet is to suggest a bolstering range of $70,000 to $75,000.

Click to read the rest.

You are biased but I'm not: Bias perception, the spiral of conflict, and the role of the mediator

The word "Truth" etched in the pieces of this sculpture on Canyon Road in Santa Fe

If we disagree with someone, we typically view the other person as more influenced by bias than are we. That perception of bias can be a monumental obstacle to conflict resolution. But what to do about perception bias? In their chapter "Bias Perception and the Spiral of Conflict," in Ideology, Psychology, and Law, Kathleen Kennedy and Emily Pronin suggest three methods of increasing success in conflict resolution and lessening the influence of this conflict spiral. All three are briefly summarized in this blog post at Law and Mind.

Of course, the one that most caught my attention was that related to self-awareness, a common theme around this blog and Brains on Purpose.

2. Introspective education – This strategy works to induce individuals to see themselves as less objective.  By recognizing their own capacity for bias, individuals might be better equipped to resolve their conflicts peacefully once they realize that the other side, while biased, is no more biased than oneself and, therefore, likely has some rational reasons for believing what they believe.  A mediator can implement this strategy by educating individuals on the psychology of implicit biases and providing them with concrete demonstrations of their own implicit attitudes (by administering the IAT [different link], for example).

The Implicit Association Test IAT has come under a lot of criticism (see, e.g., this article) and I would not recommend it as a method of increasing awareness of bias. However, increasing the self-awareness of parties to a dispute can be very helpful. The role of the mediator in educating parties about concepts such as bias perception and other components of self-awareness (i.e., how their brains and minds operate in conflict) is not agreed upon among mediators. Many think that kind of education is outside the purview of the conflict professional. What do you think?

Interested in mediation or collaborative law in trust and estates and other related family matters?

I call to your attention two no-fee teleseminars being offered this month by the Purposeful Planning Institute; one or both might be worth your time. Take a look below for all the information. If you want to join either call, get your complimentary PIN number.

The first, presented by John O'Grady on November 11, is titled "Navigate Epic Aging & Inheritance Conflicts to Build Your Practice." The session is described:

Drama, trauma, greed, and crisis at end of life present angst and opportunity.   In fact, these are the elements of a Greek tragedy in which power, control, sibling rivalry, patriarchal privilege, and other thorny issues threaten to tear families apart.  The inheritance battles escalate as the older adult loses mental capacity.  Growing a thriving collaborative trusts & estates practice in service to these conflicted families is a way to make a profound and lasting impact at a critical time.  Transforming regret, repression, and depression into full self-expression – especially when it is messy -- is cause for celebration.   During this training, Estate Planning Lawyer and Mediator of Estate Battles John O’Grady equips you to begin to navigate the epic conflicts about death, taxes, and inheritance so those you serve can address the underlying conflicts, salvage important relationships, and welcome a measure of inner peace, love, and understanding.

“In most cases, the conflict is not about who inherits the dining room table.  It’s about the issues under the table that are just now seeing the light of day.”

 More here.

The second teleseminar I call to your attention is "The Collaborative Practice Revolution in Trusts & Estates," to be given on November 25. I had the opportunity to speak with Peter Johnson, one of the presenters, in August at this year's PPI Rendezvous. Our time in conversation was stimulating and the bonus for me was learning