Today Julie Hall, author of The Boomer Burden: Dealing with Your Parents' Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff, is going to talk about what happens when reality sets in after the death of a parent. How do you deal with all the "stuff"? How do you help your clients at such a time?
Earlier this month, she wrote another very helpful guest post; click to read it. Julie, thanks for this return visit.
Her book is now #2 in Amazon categories Wills and Estates & Trusts. Looks like I am not the only one who sees that what Julie has to say is both needed and insightful.
I now turn this post over to Julie . . .
It had been a week since Dad’s funeral, and life was getting back to normal for Sharon. Despite the sadness of the occasion, it had been nice to be with her brother and sister and their families. She hadn’t been to her dad’s house since he went into the hospital and dreaded walking into the empty house, knowing it contained a flood of memories. As she got in her car to drive across town to the house she grew up in, the lump in her throat grew. She thought about all the happy times around the dinner table and how her dad taught himself to cook when her mom began showing signs of Alzheimers. But as she unlocked the door and stepped into the house, emotion gave way to panic:
“What are we going to do with all this stuff?”
I describe Sharon’s response as the “deer in the headlights” look, and I’ve seen it hundreds of times as I’ve helped people settle their parents’ affairs. The sadness of losing your last surviving parent quickly turns to dread, frustration, even anger, as a lifetime of accumulation hits you like a brick. Some families struggle for months to liquidate their parents’ estates, but by following a few simple steps, you can clear out your parents’ home in less than two weeks. Here’s how:
“What are we going to do with all this stuff?”
I describe Sharon’s response as the “deer in the headlights” look, and I’ve seen it hundreds of times as I’ve helped people settle their parents’ affairs. The sadness of losing your last surviving parent quickly turns to dread, frustration, even anger, as a lifetime of accumulation hits you like a brick. Some families struggle for months to liquidate their parents’ estates, but by following a few simple steps, you can clear out your parents’ home in less than two weeks. Here’s how:
Prepare. Eighty percent of the contents of most estates are either donated or thrown away. Contact a local refuse company to let them know additional trash will be placed at the curb. Collect boxes for smaller objects and buy plenty of heavy-duty trash bags. Select an organization such as Goodwill or the Kidney Foundation or local religious organization for things you’ll donate and contact them about pickup service.
Enlist Your Siblings. Ideally, all surviving adult children should participate—it saves time and gives everyone an opportunity to select anything they want to keep. The more you communicate with your brothers and sisters, the less chance of hard feelings and conflict.
Locate Important Documents. This could be difficult if you didn’t discuss it with your parents, which is why it is so important to have this conversation when your parents are healthy. Most older people keep their important papers in one place such as a “strong box,” safe, or filing cabinet. What to look for: a will, bank account information, insurance policies, retirement and investment accounts, titles to cars and the house, location of keys, contact information of attorney, financial planner, etc.
Get Professional Help. At the very least, enlist the services of an “estate planning attorney” to help you settle any accounts listed above. If you believe there are valuables among your parents’ possessions, hire a personal property appraiser to determine what those items are worth. If you decide to sell the house, contact a realtor.
Take Inventory. Walk through the house with a notebook and list anything that has either financial or sentimental value. Make copies of the list and send it to your siblings.
Divide the contents among siblings. Use a common spread sheet to record the “wish list” of each heir. Have an appraiser assign values to each item on each wish list for financial equity to avoid additional feuding. For items that several heirs want, have an objective third party select names from a hat. Division of property should take place with children only. No in-laws or grandchildren please.
Set a Date to Empty the House. Work with your siblings to try and find a date when they can help clear out the house.
Establish Three Collection Areas. Before you start hauling things out, determine areas for things you will keep, things you will donate, and things you will discard. This will eliminate confusion and thus reduce the time it takes to clear everything out.
Be Fair and Share. On the day you clear out the house, give your siblings a chance to walk through once more and select things they would like to have. If there are disputes, aim for “financial equality.” If both brothers want Dad’s hunting rifle and there was no will to specify who gets it, one gets the rifle, the other gets something of equal value. This is where most disputes occur, so try to establish some ground rules before you start.
Start from the Top. On the day you clear out the house, begin in the attic and systematically work your way down. If you have enough people, work in pairs and create assembly lines.
Be Safe. Gloves, dust masks, insect spray, ladders, hand tools, etc., will protect everyone from unnecessary injury.
Be Green. Consult with refuse haulers and local environmental agencies for instructions on how to safely dispose of old batteries, cleaning solvents, paint, etc.
Check the Hideouts. If your parents lived through the Depression, there’s a good chance they hid their valuables. Favorite hiding places: toilet tanks, ice cube trays, books ($100 bills randomly placed between pages of books), mattresses, beneath floorboards in the attic.
When in Doubt, Throw It Out or Recycle. You will be tempted to keep everything. Don’t. It will just clutter up your own house, putting your kids through the same thing someday. You’ll get done a lot faster if you are quicker to toss than to keep.
Make It Fun. Put some of Mom and Dad’s favorite music on the “hi-fi.” Have plenty of snacks, cold drinks, and order some pizza or sandwiches. If you run across something with a funny story behind it, share it with your family.
Clearing out your parents’ home is hard work, complicated by the emotional impact of revisiting so many memories. Following these basic steps won’t make it easy, but you’ll get the job done faster and may even bring you closer to your siblings than you realize.
Locate Important Documents. This could be difficult if you didn’t discuss it with your parents, which is why it is so important to have this conversation when your parents are healthy. Most older people keep their important papers in one place such as a “strong box,” safe, or filing cabinet. What to look for: a will, bank account information, insurance policies, retirement and investment accounts, titles to cars and the house, location of keys, contact information of attorney, financial planner, etc.
Get Professional Help. At the very least, enlist the services of an “estate planning attorney” to help you settle any accounts listed above. If you believe there are valuables among your parents’ possessions, hire a personal property appraiser to determine what those items are worth. If you decide to sell the house, contact a realtor.
Take Inventory. Walk through the house with a notebook and list anything that has either financial or sentimental value. Make copies of the list and send it to your siblings.
Divide the contents among siblings. Use a common spread sheet to record the “wish list” of each heir. Have an appraiser assign values to each item on each wish list for financial equity to avoid additional feuding. For items that several heirs want, have an objective third party select names from a hat. Division of property should take place with children only. No in-laws or grandchildren please.
Set a Date to Empty the House. Work with your siblings to try and find a date when they can help clear out the house.
Establish Three Collection Areas. Before you start hauling things out, determine areas for things you will keep, things you will donate, and things you will discard. This will eliminate confusion and thus reduce the time it takes to clear everything out.
Be Fair and Share. On the day you clear out the house, give your siblings a chance to walk through once more and select things they would like to have. If there are disputes, aim for “financial equality.” If both brothers want Dad’s hunting rifle and there was no will to specify who gets it, one gets the rifle, the other gets something of equal value. This is where most disputes occur, so try to establish some ground rules before you start.
Start from the Top. On the day you clear out the house, begin in the attic and systematically work your way down. If you have enough people, work in pairs and create assembly lines.
Be Safe. Gloves, dust masks, insect spray, ladders, hand tools, etc., will protect everyone from unnecessary injury.
Be Green. Consult with refuse haulers and local environmental agencies for instructions on how to safely dispose of old batteries, cleaning solvents, paint, etc.
Check the Hideouts. If your parents lived through the Depression, there’s a good chance they hid their valuables. Favorite hiding places: toilet tanks, ice cube trays, books ($100 bills randomly placed between pages of books), mattresses, beneath floorboards in the attic.
When in Doubt, Throw It Out or Recycle. You will be tempted to keep everything. Don’t. It will just clutter up your own house, putting your kids through the same thing someday. You’ll get done a lot faster if you are quicker to toss than to keep.
Make It Fun. Put some of Mom and Dad’s favorite music on the “hi-fi.” Have plenty of snacks, cold drinks, and order some pizza or sandwiches. If you run across something with a funny story behind it, share it with your family.
Clearing out your parents’ home is hard work, complicated by the emotional impact of revisiting so many memories. Following these basic steps won’t make it easy, but you’ll get the job done faster and may even bring you closer to your siblings than you realize.
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