idealawg

"Focus On Passing Down Your Values, Not Money"

The Goodwin Games might be a fun show to watch. Whether you watch or not, the article describing the new comedy makes some good points about legacy and inheritance. Excerpt:

The Goodwin Games, a new Fox TV comedy starring Beau Bridges, is a little wacky but it makes a vital personal finance point between laughs: Parents should ensure their children will inherit their estates as they wish, of course, but it’s equally important – maybe even more important – that they pass on their values.

How are you doing on that score?

An intriguing finding that caught my eye in the recent survey of people over 45, Americans’ Perspectives on New Retirement Realities and the Longevity Bonus, from Merrill Lynch and the Age Wave consulting firm, really underscores this view.

Click to read the rest of "Focus On Passing Down Your Values, Not Money" (Forbes).

The helicopter child: Some guidance for the adult kid who's overprotective of his or her aging parent

By now, most people reading this post have heard the phrase "helicopter parent." In case you haven't, from "The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting" (TIME):

The insanity crept up on us slowly; we just wanted what was best for our kids. We bought macrobiotic cupcakes and hypoallergenic socks, hired tutors to correct a 5-year-old's "pencil-holding deficiency," hooked up broadband connections in the treehouse but took down the swing set after the second skinned knee. We hovered over every school, playground and practice field — "helicopter parents," teachers christened us ... ."

Click to read previous idealawg posts about helicopter parents.

But the hovering behavior does not only go down the family tree, it also flies up into the parent branches. Adult children are overprotecting their aging parents. I suppose we can call a person doing this up-the-tree overprotecting a "helicopter child."

The motivations for hovering over and around one's parent are many. Just four are mentioned in "Overprotective children do more harm than good" (Gainesville Sun): old-age myths, the widowed parent, reparenting your parents, and emotional baggage. A bit of elaboration on these four reasons adult children overprotect . . .

• One of our culture's old-age myths is that cognitive decline is inevitable. Children who believe this may infantilize their parents, not accurately assessing their parents' abilities and capacity for autonomy.
• When one parent dies, adult children may move in "too fast" in an effort to be supportive.
• Popular wisdom tells us that roles are reversed as parents age so that we as adult children become the parents. This reversal is not really accurate because the dynamics are different. Nevertheless, this misconception can lead children to attempt to parent their parents.
• Conflicts that developed in the past may influence how the child treats the aging parent, so that the child's behavior does not fit the situation or the needs of the parent.

Of course, there are many other reasons a child may hover. A few that come to mind right now: need to be needed, guilt, tendency to martyrdom, or lack of ability to listen to or read the parent.

The balance between autonomy and support is a delicate one in any relationship. In the case of aging parents, that balance can be particularly challenging. And there are ways to frame the challenge that can make it easier.

How do we maintain balance?

Have you written your letter to the future? Some links related to ethical wills and legacy

Ever since I attended an intensive program on ethical wills with one of the gurus Dr. Barry Baines, I have been convinced of the value, for both our clients and ourselves, of writing wishes for and to the future. (Click to read past posts about ethical wills here, here, and here; last link includes a video on crafting personal legacy statements.) To learn more about the process of writing such a document, and why you would want to, read this recent post by Dr. Baines. From "Creating a legacy of resiliency for your family" (Caring Bridge):

In my previous Amplifier Hub blog post, “What Does Legacy Mean to You”, I provided a context for understanding what leaving a legacy is about and why legacy is important to us. I shared the idea of your legacy journey, which components include your legacy of values, wisdom, and generosity.

In this post, I would like to delve into your legacy of values, which takes the form of an ethical will (also referred to as a legacy letter). I will share what an ethical will is, their history and why people write them. I will also share a writing exercise at the end of the post that you can complete to begin to create your own ethical will.

Click to read the rest.

If you would like to take training from Barry, he writes in his most recent newsletter:

With a mix of excitement and (some) trepidation, Tracie [Ward] and I conducted our first live video-conference training for Ethical Wills/Legacy Letters Facilitators. The program consisted of 5 sessions of 2.5 hours over a 2-1/2 week period. It was an overwhelming success. So much so that we have already scheduled additional training programs for Ethical Will/Legacy Letter Facilitators (starts May 23rd) and Life Reflection Stories Facilitators (starts April 28th).

The programs are limited to 4 participants.

Contact me [his email address] if you are interested in registering for either of these programs or if you would like more information about the training.

He also included links to three recent articles:

• "Bonding with your Donors: Ethical Wills" (PG Calc)
• "Ethical wills give new life to loved ones’ thoughts" (KSTK)
• "How to Pass Down A Legacy of Family Values" (Digital Journal)

If you are interested in reading more, Barry has also written a book titled Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper.

Note: I would add to Maslow's quote below "a thoughtful and self-aware person must communicate values  . . ." Click to see a larger version of the poster.


Note (added June 11, 2013): Ethical Will Template courtesy of AfterSteps.

A few programs on how to resolve generational disputes, including one with author of MOM ALWAYS LIKED YOU BEST

Pattie Porter continues to offer valuable interviews related to conflict resolution. In April, she will be offering four related to conflict in families and between generations. Information below. (In February, I was pleased to be a guest on her program; links to listen to that program titled "Brains on Purpose: Traits and States to Shape Your Conflict Fate" are here.)

Pattie's upcoming programs:

April 2nd : The Magic of Elder Mediation
Guest: Judy-McCann-Beranger

Elder mediation can enhance family communication skills and change the face of health
care as we know it. It promotes dignity and respect and enhances the quality of life for all
concerned.

April 9th : Tending Our Broken-Open Hearts: Keeping Peace
Guest: Rose Gordon

We hope that we, and our family and loved ones will come together in the kindest ways
when someone we care about is dying. We hope the shared experience of loss will bring out
the best in us. But grief and loss brings all kinds of feelings to the surface.

April 16th: Got Conflict around Eldercare and Estate Issues? Here's a Guide for Resolution!
Guest: Arline Kardasis

Arline Kardasis, mediator, trainer and co-author of Mom Always liked You Best, will discuss this guide for resolving family feuds, inheritance battles and eldercare crises.

April 23rd : Can't Get Your Aging Parents and Adult Siblings to Listen? Learn How Conflict Coaching
Can Help
Guests: Carolyn Rodis
Guest Host: Steven Kotev

Learn how conflict coaching can help you change those dynamics to manage conflict and
communicate more productively with your aging parents and adult siblings.

Three ways families handle wealth

People, as individuals and as members of families, do not handle wealth in ways monolithic. In this blog post, Matthew Wesley describes three types of wealth behaviors and attitudes: The Silver Dagger, The Silver Spoon, and The Silver Ladder. I was happy that he wrote

In recounting this typology, it is important to remember that life is never as simple as a typology would have you believe. There most often are elements of all types in every particular situation.  That said, a typology can be a useful tool to simplify complexity.

If you work with moneyed clients, I recommend this post. And remember Matt's caveat.

Writing a letter to your future self: The benefits of an Aging Care Directive

Over coffee a while back, my friend and colleague Andrea Gross described to me an idea. I thought it filled a real gap in successful aging, and could be very valuable to those of us who are growing older (who isn't?) and to our children. Because I was so impressed with her concept and its potential benefits, I asked her to write a guest post describing her idea to you. She agreed! Here it is. Thank you, Andy.

How Do I Want to Live When I’m 91? Why We All Need an Aging Care Directive

Please don’t get me wrong. I intend to live to a ripe old age. But just in case I die young, I’m prepared—maybe not emotionally, but practically. 

I have a health care directive that tells what kind of medical care I want if I can no longer speak for myself. I’ve signed a durable power of attorney that names a person to handle my financial affairs if I am unable to do so. And of course I have a will that details how I want my estate to be divided.

But what if I don’t die? What if I wither gradually, remaining mentally competent but a bit slower on the uptake, physically able but wobbly on my feet? In that case, I need a fourth document, an Aging Care Directive that tells how I would like to live, what kind of assistance I’m most willing to accept.

How long should I continue to drive? Do I prefer to remain in my own home, move in with a relative, or

New columnist at WealthManagement.com will focus on positive stories

My friend and colleague Hartley Goldstone will be writing columns on improving relationships between beneficiaries and trustees through the use of stories. From his debut, titled "The Positive Story Project" (WealthManagement.com):

Can the widespread dissatisfaction and all the talk of “problem” beneficiaries and “problem” trustees, give way to more creative and productive relationships?  I say:  “Absolutely.”  And, if your intuition is the same as mine, the harder question becomes “how do we get from here to there?”

...

Like everyone else, beneficiaries and trustees create stories to put given moments into context. And, the stories become their reality.  A particular story might serve the storyteller well, or not so well.  The point is the ability to direct thinking: Beneficiaries and trustees can decide on their point of view—trusts as a problem, or trusts as an opportunity.

...

That’s why we’ll focus on what we can learn from positive stories.  We’ll take a look at the skills and behaviors of our storytellers as they confront dilemmas and opportunities.

To learn more about Hartley and his positive-story project, listen to this interview. Click to learn about his new book TrustWorthy: New Angles on Trusts from Beneficiaries and Trustees: A Positive Story Project showcasing beneficiaries and trustees.

Legacy is much more than money: Passing on values, not just valuables

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal is a good reminder that what we leave when we die can be so much more than money, real property, and jewelry. The writer believes (as do I) that the wisdom and life lessons we leave are as much as part of our estate as the tangibles. He also describes way to facilitate this passing on of values, and includes "Ten questions to ask important people in your life" (taken from 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans).

From "Before Passing Along Valuables, Passing Along Values: Why legacies and life lessons are an increasingly important part of estate planning":

Holiday and family gatherings provide an opportunity to capture some of the wisdom elders have to offer. Adult children and grandchildren can start by asking older relatives to share memories and anecdotes—but shouldn't stop there, Mr. [Karl] Pillemer says. If a grandparent served in World War II, for example, don't just listen to those stories or details of time in the service—ask what he or she learned from that experience.

"Ask them for their life stories, but try to tap their life's wisdom," Mr. Pillemer says. "If you ask a person for advice, it empowers them. It honors a person's life experience."

[This next paragraph is also an excerpt from the article but, for some glitchy reason, good ol' Typepad will not let me indent it!]

Older adults should also consider drafting an ethical will, a document that transmits your core values and principles, says Mr. Pillemer. "It can be very powerful for themselves and their families," he adds.

Click to read a past post about ethical wills; includes several related links.

A blog I just discovered on practical brain science (written by another attorney who has moved on from the practice of law)

For years, I have known Roger Anunsen, a non-practicing lawyer, via e-mail and occasional phone call but did not know that he has a blog! It is a part of his Web site focused on brain health and cognitive fitness.

Note: Don't be confused by his home page where it says "Check out our recent blogs... ." There is only one blog; the page is pointing you to posts in the plural, not blogs. Just one blog, but it is one worth checking out.

Myopic misery: Does sadness affect how money is spent or how estates are settled?

Might your decisions about money be affected by sadness? Yes, according to this new research. Here are a news release about the research, plus the Abstract and an excerpt from the study.

The release from Association for Psychological Science:

Your emotions can certainly impact your decisions, but you might be surprised by the extent to which your emotions affect your pocketbook. New research from psychological scientist Jennifer Lerner of the Harvard Kennedy School of Government and colleagues Yi Le and Elke U. Weber of Columbia University explores how impatience brought on by sadness can in turn produce substantial financial loss. The study is published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.

Using data collected at the Harvard Decision Science Laboratory and the Center for Decision Sciences at Columbia, the authors found that subjects randomly assigned to view a video that induced sadness exhibited impatience and myopia, which were manifested in financial decisions that elicited higher gains in the short term, but lesser gains over the longer term. Thus, subjects in the sadness condition earned significantly less money than subjects in the neutral condition. They showed what is known as “present bias,” wherein decision makers want immediate gratification and so they ignore greater gains associated with waiting.

“Across three experiments, the median sad participant valued future rewards (i.e., those delayed by 3 months) 13% to 34% less than did the median neutral-state participant. These differences emerged even though real money was at stake and even though discount rates in the neutral condition were already high,” the authors reported.

“These experiments, combining methods from psychology and economics, revealed that the sadder person is not necessarily the wiser person when it comes to financial choices,” they concluded. “Instead, compared with neutral emotion,