idealawg

Have you written your letter to the future? Some links related to ethical wills and legacy

Ever since I attended an intensive program on ethical wills with one of the gurus Dr. Barry Baines, I have been convinced of the value, for both our clients and ourselves, of writing wishes for and to the future. (Click to read past posts about ethical wills here, here, and here; last link includes a video on crafting personal legacy statements.) To learn more about the process of writing such a document, and why you would want to, read this recent post by Dr. Baines. From "Creating a legacy of resiliency for your family" (Caring Bridge):

In my previous Amplifier Hub blog post, “What Does Legacy Mean to You”, I provided a context for understanding what leaving a legacy is about and why legacy is important to us. I shared the idea of your legacy journey, which components include your legacy of values, wisdom, and generosity.

In this post, I would like to delve into your legacy of values, which takes the form of an ethical will (also referred to as a legacy letter). I will share what an ethical will is, their history and why people write them. I will also share a writing exercise at the end of the post that you can complete to begin to create your own ethical will.

Click to read the rest.

If you would like to take training from Barry, he writes in his most recent newsletter:

With a mix of excitement and (some) trepidation, Tracie [Ward] and I conducted our first live video-conference training for Ethical Wills/Legacy Letters Facilitators. The program consisted of 5 sessions of 2.5 hours over a 2-1/2 week period. It was an overwhelming success. So much so that we have already scheduled additional training programs for Ethical Will/Legacy Letter Facilitators (starts May 23rd) and Life Reflection Stories Facilitators (starts April 28th).

The programs are limited to 4 participants.

Contact me [his email address] if you are interested in registering for either of these programs or if you would like more information about the training.

He also included links to three recent articles:

• "Bonding with your Donors: Ethical Wills" (PG Calc)
• "Ethical wills give new life to loved ones’ thoughts" (KSTK)
• "How to Pass Down A Legacy of Family Values" (Digital Journal)

If you are interested in reading more, Barry has also written a book titled Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper.

Note: I would add to Maslow's quote below "a thoughtful and self-aware person must communicate values  . . ." Click to see a larger version of the poster.

A few programs on how to resolve generational disputes, including one with author of MOM ALWAYS LIKED YOU BEST

Pattie Porter continues to offer valuable interviews related to conflict resolution. In April, she will be offering four related to conflict in families and between generations. Information below. (In February, I was pleased to be a guest on her program; links to listen to that program titled "Brains on Purpose: Traits and States to Shape Your Conflict Fate" are here.)

Pattie's upcoming programs:

April 2nd : The Magic of Elder Mediation
Guest: Judy-McCann-Beranger

Elder mediation can enhance family communication skills and change the face of health
care as we know it. It promotes dignity and respect and enhances the quality of life for all
concerned.

April 9th : Tending Our Broken-Open Hearts: Keeping Peace
Guest: Rose Gordon

We hope that we, and our family and loved ones will come together in the kindest ways
when someone we care about is dying. We hope the shared experience of loss will bring out
the best in us. But grief and loss brings all kinds of feelings to the surface.

April 16th: Got Conflict around Eldercare and Estate Issues? Here's a Guide for Resolution!
Guest: Arline Kardasis

Arline Kardasis, mediator, trainer and co-author of Mom Always liked You Best, will discuss this guide for resolving family feuds, inheritance battles and eldercare crises.

April 23rd : Can't Get Your Aging Parents and Adult Siblings to Listen? Learn How Conflict Coaching
Can Help
Guests: Carolyn Rodis
Guest Host: Steven Kotev

Learn how conflict coaching can help you change those dynamics to manage conflict and
communicate more productively with your aging parents and adult siblings.

Are you in a helping or service profession? Then this book is a must-read

Every so often I read a book and want all my colleagues to read it too so we then can have discussions which are meaty, valuable, maybe inspirational. I am reading one of those books now.

About the book, I just emailed two friends this message:

Subject: Reading a great book that I think you both might like as much as I do

The topic may sound boring but it is, for me, a can't-put-down book. It's called Ethical Maturity in the Helping Professions: Making Difficult Life and Work Decisions. The authors have written a book that has made me think, both when reading and when I have taken a break for other activities necessary to living, like eating and working.

I then sent them this excerpt to entice them to read the whole book:

While moral immaturity will hamper decision making, we explore in Chapter 2 the reality that many good people have lapses in judgement. In fact, it is more often the highly skilled and experienced people who transgress most seriously. How can this happen? The focus of our attention here is not 'those other people', but rather the opportunity for us to examine ourselves through learning about the pathways to ethical disengagement. How could I fail myself and others? How could my own moral compass go awry?

I have not finished the book but I have a feeling I will be blogging about it again, so impressed I am with the contribution it can make to this modern and complicated world. As I flip the pages to see what I have in store, I am particularly looking forward to reading about the Six Components of Ethical Maturity (and seeing how the authors believe mindfulness fits in as a part of this maturity). The Components:

• Creating ethical sensitivity and mindfulness
• Ethical decision making
• Implementing ethical decisions
• Ethical accountability and moral defence
• Ethical sustainability and peace
• Learning from experience

After you read Ethical Maturity in the Helping Professions, I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts about the book, and any ideas it provoked. Here at idealawg, I will do the same.

Click to read a review of the book from St. James Ethics Centre.

Note: I received a review copy of this book.

 

 

Three ways families handle wealth

People, as individuals and as members of families, do not handle wealth in ways monolithic. In this blog post, Matthew Wesley describes three types of wealth behaviors and attitudes: The Silver Dagger, The Silver Spoon, and The Silver Ladder. I was happy that he wrote

In recounting this typology, it is important to remember that life is never as simple as a typology would have you believe. There most often are elements of all types in every particular situation.  That said, a typology can be a useful tool to simplify complexity.

If you work with moneyed clients, I recommend this post. And remember Matt's caveat.

Four ways to use stories in conflict resolution

Even if you don't use these techniques in your next mediation, reading this short but idea-filled article in which they are described may give you a fresh perspective to bring to conflict. Although there were several reasons I found these four approaches refreshing, I particularly liked that one or more were aligned with processes I know can facilitate resolution of conflict: the pictographic path (using images to communicate) and mental contrasting (comparing where you are with where you want to be).

In this article, anthropologist Undine Kayser describes four tools:

• Story as worldmaking: The patchwork gown
• Enlarging frameworks
• Utopia: Transformative powers and change
• Distancing-metaphor-projection-outside gaze

She also gives examples of each.

Why use stories? Kayser writes:

Narrative is generally employed in conflict resolution processes in a factual mode: stories are told to 'filter' so-called 'facts'. This narrative mode does not allow much room for the play of imagination, displacement, identity and extension of boundaries. It does not make full use of fiction and fable as age-old cultural resources for conflict resolution.

Stories are one of the most revealing tools for exploring the question of how people define their identities, how they see and wish to place themselves in the world. Stories are a reservoir of collective memory, individual experience and action and can complement the more 'rational' approaches to conflict resolution.

And she closes with a quote that is a good summation:

In the words of psychologist Ira Progoff, "[Storytelling is about] switching the frame of reference from the small world of self-righteous egos to the large universe of sacred time."

I don't know what Progoff meant by sacred, but I do know moving from a small perspective to a larger one can work wonders in mediation.

Click to read the whole article (Centre for Conflict Resolution). What do you think of these story practices?

 

 

Writing a letter to your future self: The benefits of an Aging Care Directive

Over coffee a while back, my friend and colleague Andrea Gross described to me an idea. I thought it filled a real gap in successful aging, and could be very valuable to those of us who are growing older (who isn't?) and to our children. Because I was so impressed with her concept and its potential benefits, I asked her to write a guest post describing her idea to you. She agreed! Here it is. Thank you, Andy.

How Do I Want to Live When I’m 91? Why We All Need an Aging Care Directive

Please don’t get me wrong. I intend to live to a ripe old age. But just in case I die young, I’m prepared—maybe not emotionally, but practically. 

I have a health care directive that tells what kind of medical care I want if I can no longer speak for myself. I’ve signed a durable power of attorney that names a person to handle my financial affairs if I am unable to do so. And of course I have a will that details how I want my estate to be divided.

But what if I don’t die? What if I wither gradually, remaining mentally competent but a bit slower on the uptake, physically able but wobbly on my feet? In that case, I need a fourth document, an Aging Care Directive that tells how I would like to live, what kind of assistance I’m most willing to accept.

How long should I continue to drive? Do I prefer to remain in my own home, move in with a relative, or

What are the top non-tax considerations in estate planning?

My friends and colleagues associated with the Purposeful Planning Institute (an organization about which I have blogged in the past here and here) often have very interesting discussions at this LinkedIn group.

Recently the group was looking at a list of 10 "non-tax estate planning considerations." As an alternative to that list, lawyer Matthew Wesley posted a list I share with you now (with his permission).

1. What is my clients’ deepest non-tax concern about passing on the wealth?
2. Do I understand the strategic considerations of my client?
3. Can I clearly and simply articulate my client's motivations and purposes?
4. Do the estate documents I am drafting clearly reflect and explicitly address the deep concerns, strategic considerations, and motivations of my client?
5. Has my client considered the impact of the inheritance on the lives of the beneficiaries and are the documents structured to address that impact?
6. How do the documents enhance and support the use of financial capital in the development of the human, social and cultural resources of the family?
7. How will the administration of the estate serve to enhance, or at the very least not damage, family cohesion?
8. What has been done to bring the heirs into the planning process and allow them to have some say in the events that will deeply affect their lives? (As Margaret Wheatley famously said "Decisions that are about me that don't include me are not "for" me.")
9. Are the stewards of the assets well suited to the task and how does the trust structure empower rather than enable the beneficiaries? If they heirs are to receive the assets directly have they been prepared emotionally, intellectually and practically to adapt to that event?
10. Finally, as a practitioner, as I turn off the lights of my office and head home, can I do so with the sense that I have done what I could to make the world slightly better place for the people I serve.

Your thoughts on his list? What would you add? Subtract?

Thanks, Matthew for allowing me to post your fine, client-focused list.

Note: You may want to take a look at another active discussion on that same LinkedIn Group: What is the "essential purpose" of the trustee?

On this Christmas Day, it's good to hear that transformation is possible

News release from Brigham Young University:

Psychologists: Scrooge’s transformation parallels real life-changing experiences

Read more from Forbes

“Bah, humbug!” is the line most closely associated with Ebenezer Scrooge, the famous miser from “A Christmas Carol.”

But the authors of a new study on life-changing experiences give author Charles Dickens high marks for his portrayal of Scrooge’s sudden switch to saintliness.

Former grad student Jon Skalski and Brigham Young University psychology professor Sam Hardy conducted an in-depth study of 14 people who experienced profound, sudden and lasting change. They say the fictional Scrooge would fit right in.

“Like our participants, Scrooge was suffering,” Skalski said. “There was disintegration. There was a world that was ripe for change because of suffering going on.”

Though Scrooge had money, he hit rock bottom in terms of relationships. Orphaned as a child and broken-hearted from a failed engagement, Scrooge’s pains intensify each Christmas Eve, the anniversary of the death of his only friend, Jacob Marley.

In the story, Marley appears seven years after his death as a voice of warning. Though a ghost, the role he plays is true to life. Most study participants described the presence of a trusted other person during their experience.

“Just by their presence, a trusted friend can open up possibilities and a sense of faith in what’s possible that one can’t see,” Skalski said.

Skalski and Hardy’s research will appear in the January issue of The Humanistic Psychologist. Finding people that fit the criteria was no easy task. To do so, they employed ads on Craigslist in Illinois and Utah.

Notably, the experiences shared by the participants were not recent events. On average, nine years had passed between the transformation and their interview. Most of them could remember the exact time of day when the turning point occurred.

“I’ve often thought about this, whether these transformations are really sudden or gradual,” Skalski said. “It’s like water boiling – you can look at that as a discontinuous change from not boiling to boiling, but there are certain elements going on beneath the surface that allow for the dramatic change to take place.”

For an entrepreneur referred to as Kevin in the study, the preceding turmoil arose because his identity as a successful businessman crashed along with his failed ventures. Like Scrooge, he had

New columnist at WealthManagement.com will focus on positive stories

My friend and colleague Hartley Goldstone will be writing columns on improving relationships between beneficiaries and trustees through the use of stories. From his debut, titled "The Positive Story Project" (WealthManagement.com):

Can the widespread dissatisfaction and all the talk of “problem” beneficiaries and “problem” trustees, give way to more creative and productive relationships?  I say:  “Absolutely.”  And, if your intuition is the same as mine, the harder question becomes “how do we get from here to there?”

...

Like everyone else, beneficiaries and trustees create stories to put given moments into context. And, the stories become their reality.  A particular story might serve the storyteller well, or not so well.  The point is the ability to direct thinking: Beneficiaries and trustees can decide on their point of view—trusts as a problem, or trusts as an opportunity.

...

That’s why we’ll focus on what we can learn from positive stories.  We’ll take a look at the skills and behaviors of our storytellers as they confront dilemmas and opportunities.

To learn more about Hartley and his positive-story project, listen to this interview. Click to learn about his new book TrustWorthy: New Angles on Trusts from Beneficiaries and Trustees: A Positive Story Project showcasing beneficiaries and trustees.

Legacy is much more than money: Passing on values, not just valuables

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal is a good reminder that what we leave when we die can be so much more than money, real property, and jewelry. The writer believes (as do I) that the wisdom and life lessons we leave are as much as part of our estate as the tangibles. He also describes way to facilitate this passing on of values, and includes "Ten questions to ask important people in your life" (taken from 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans).

From "Before Passing Along Valuables, Passing Along Values: Why legacies and life lessons are an increasingly important part of estate planning":

Holiday and family gatherings provide an opportunity to capture some of the wisdom elders have to offer. Adult children and grandchildren can start by asking older relatives to share memories and anecdotes—but shouldn't stop there, Mr. [Karl] Pillemer says. If a grandparent served in World War II, for example, don't just listen to those stories or details of time in the service—ask what he or she learned from that experience.

"Ask them for their life stories, but try to tap their life's wisdom," Mr. Pillemer says. "If you ask a person for advice, it empowers them. It honors a person's life experience."

[This next paragraph is also an excerpt from the article but, for some glitchy reason, good ol' Typepad will not let me indent it!]

Older adults should also consider drafting an ethical will, a document that transmits your core values and principles, says Mr. Pillemer. "It can be very powerful for themselves and their families," he adds.

Click to read a past post about ethical wills; includes several related links.