I e-met Polly O'Connor when she Googled Jeffrey Schwartz and ended up on his page at Brains on Purpose. In an intriguing and informative e-mail conversation (which soon moved off the original topic of neuroscience), I learned of a couple of practices she recommends: maintaining The White Binder and writing your own obituary. I will let her explain The White Binder and tell you why she makes these recommendations. With her permission, I have posted here what she wrote to me. Polly begins:
When I viewed your bio on your website, I saw that you wrote: Creating Your Own Funeral or Memorial Service: A Workbook.
I will definitely download that and recommend it to everyone. Back in 2002, I had gathered together all of the important documents - wills, living wills, financial papers, etc - and created what I called "The White Binder" (because, all the papers were in a white binder). When my wonderful husband suddenly and without warning died in 2004, the book was invaluable and since then I've helped others put together their White Binders.
Polly went on to explain why you would want to write your own obituary.
I tell every person I come in contact with that the greatest gift they could give their families and friends is to write their own obituary. That was the one of the two important things I wished we had done. Instead, I had to write my husband's obituary. To attempt to do that for a loved one who has just died is pure torture. And, who can remember at such a time what schools they went to… or who they wanted to mention in the obituary (especially if there's a second family).
This woman is prepared! Read what she said next.
I had also prepared a hospital bag containing everything my husband and I would need if there was an emergency... I knew that, if something happened to me, he wouldn't know what to bring... if something happened to him, I'd be devastated. Also, I thought that if I were prepared, nothing would happen. I was wrong.
Polly explained other benefits of The White Binder.
When the EMTs were preparing my husband for the trip to the hospital, I grabbed the hospital
bag and TWB. The two provided me with all the medical records, change of clothes, toothpaste/brush, drinking water, nutrition bars, something to read, phone re-charger, phone numbers.
But it was TWB that grabbed my husband's son's attention when we brought my husband's clothes down to the car after we let him go. His son, looking to be distracted, thumbed through TWB. There was the info about cremation (along with the forms), my husband's instructions about the cremains, his will, people to contact, bank info.
His son became so much calmer. I suppose he had been thinking, as the family male representative, that he would need to start helping me with all of the funeral plans, etc., in the midst of such crushing grief. The relief when he learned it was all taken care of was palpable.
Polly talked more about obituaries.
Another point that I now include when working with clients on their WB... write down what newspapers they want the obituary published in. I was executrix of my husband's estate and one of the previous family members actually argued—in Probate Court—about the number of newspapers his obit appeared in.
Some people might need to have two separate obituaries, if they have a previous family. But how much simpler, after the fact, to be able to say that s/he WROTE it themselves and that's how it should appear.
Polly gives one last suggestion about The White Binder.
TWB should be locked up (home safe) or hidden (and tell someone where it is!!)... since there is so much sensitive info in it.
Thanks very much, Polly, for all your good advice. (Posting this in October is particularly appropriate since we are fast approaching the 9th annual Create a Great Funeral Day which is October 30.)
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